It was June. I was home from the apartment I shared with my then boyfriend and two friends as a cheaper alternative to living in the school dorms. The classroom side of my degree was complete. I had to find and complete an internship before I received my diploma, but now, it was summer break. I believe I had agreed to go out with friends that night, and knowing that I had put on some weight, I decided to try on the super baggy pair of jeans that I had reserved for painting, or as the top layer over several pairs of long johns for cold barn work. I knew those would go on, it was just a question if they would be too baggy to look decent. I bunched the legs up, stuck my feet in, and slid them up, until they caught at mid-thigh and would budge no further. This can’t be right, my mind said in its feeble effort to protect itself. I tried again. No give. None. I kicked free from the jeans as if they were covered in acid, and suddenly it became hard to breathe.
That was my breaking point. I cried, I hyperventilated, I screamed into a pillow. I was seething with hatred, for myself, and displaced hatred for the world. I did something I had never done before; I asked for help. I went to my mom and begged her for her help to fix me. (To be clear, being overweight doesn’t make you broken, being miserable does) I certainly needed assistance, especially in the beginning; I couldn’t find the motivation to change these habits and break these addictions with them in my house.
For three days I processed this in the way I needed to – by researching. Night and day I did research; night and day I studied and scoured the internet for motivation and correct information. I collected myself and set a game plan. I wanted to lose 122 lbs., I wanted it gone immediately, but I thought I set a reasonable goal for one year (not reasonable….) I was going to clean up my diet, and build up exercise. I also decided that I was going to go to a company here in town that promised the drastic results I was looking for.
Side note: That company was horse shit. Anybody who tells you that you can’t eat carrots because they have too much sugar, but says you should have toast for breakfast is effin ignorant. Do this the hard way; it’s the only way that sticks.
But before I started anything, I sat at my computer and opened a word document. I let myself loose and put power behind my intent. I typed out every reason I could think of to change my life, entirely, and forever. I wrote out every motivation I could muster that would keep me eating healthy. I wrote out every reason I could think of to work out every day.
And it was what lifted me off the ground. It was the original impetus. That first motivation bomb was monstrous.
Of course I faltered. Of course I failed. Of course motivation doesn’t always last. I had a major setback and gained 30lbs back after losing 70. But I persisted. And I have succeeded. And I never would have if I hadn’t put out there why I HAD to change. Why I HAD to motivate myself.
I had forgotten about the document I had created. Just the other day I was cleaning unnecessary files out of my drive when I stumbled onto one titled “Because I will sleep better”. I clicked on it, curiosity thoroughly peaked. The document opened and I recognized it immediately, the memory launched me back into that well of hideous emotion and panic. But that subsided. I scrolled through and began to smile, because I have accomplished what I set out to do. I have made these reasons (most of them anyways) a reality.
Some of them are petty. All of them driven by a need to become who I thought I was supposed to be. Laced with profanity, they were the hard line truths that fueled me to lose 70 lbs. that first year. I even added to them after I started as a way to maintain that fire.
I want to share the contents of that document today. For anybody that needs a boost of motivation to work out today. For anyone that needs to remember why they don’t need shit food in their life. For anyone that is struggling to believe that they and their health are worth the effort.
For anyone who needs it. I’ve added commentary in parentheses under a to a number of these
Because I will sleep better
(and I certainly do)
Because I will feel better (genuinely, I feel so much better)
Because I will breathe better (without question, breathing is no longer a struggle)
Because I love myself (and now I love myself even more)
Because I want to be a hard ass (yay squats!)
Because I want to be a predator (that is to say fierce, I suppose)
Because I’m tired of sweat between my fuckin rolls (really don’t miss that)
Because I want sexy legs
Because I’m FUCKING SICK of new stretch marks
Because I need to be healthier
Because I don’t want to be on medication (HALLELUJAH!)
Because I FUCKING can (amen!)
Because I love vegetables, it won’t be that damn hard
Because I can do that paleo shit, I’m a motherfuckin animal
Because I want to wear different clothes
Because I want to ranch
Because I need to be in better shape for the horses (and for all of my dependents)
Because I want to be able to run
Because I will be able to kick serious ass (sometimes, that ass is my own)
Because I will be happier. Less stressed. Less worried
Because I want to be a better rider
Because I want my libido back
Because I want my fuckin jeans back
Because I can’t remember when I didn’t have a double chin, and fuck that
Because I want to break their expectations
Because I want to be both desired and feared
Because someday I might want kids
Because I want my kids to be fit
Because I want to be a milf
Because I don’t want diabetes. Not ever. Not gestational, or any other damn kind
Because fuck being the fattest in the family
To be an inspiration
Because I want to do a fuckin pull up
Because what the hell else should I spend my time doing?
Because I wont be satisfied until I’m in GREAT shape
Because I’m way too young to be like this
Because this actually is the final straw
Because I don’t want to be skinny, I want to be fit
Because I must eat to nourish, not indulge (but sometimes you can have both!)
Because I will defeat myself, and come out the winner (that I did)
Because I want to be able to do cool shit (pilates and yoga has sure helped)
Because I want the respect. From others. From myself (very near and dear to me)
Because I can’t afford not to (SERIOUSLY!!!)
Because I want a better life (always working on it!)
I want a better future (also always working on it!)
Because I want to be ok with candid pictures of myself
Simply because (fair enough)
Because my body is supposed to be toned
Because my mind is lying to me – it’s actually easy
Because I want a sexy back (I’m getting comments on my back muscles lately, super phsyched!)
Because I want sexy everything (also fair)
Because I wasn’t given this life to throw it away (DON’T EVER FORGET THIS)
Because I have the potential to be fucking unbelievable
BECAUSE I DESERVE IT (thanks, me, I really appreciate it)
To be coveted
Because fuck carbs. Fuckem. Fuckity fuck fuckem (ha! Carbs aren’t all bad!)
I WILL KEEP ON TRAVELING THIS ROAD
To see my progress, and be amazed
Because zena used to be my hero (ahem…still is!)
Because I’m too young to be like this
Because I’m still young and I can do it now
Because I want to enjoy my youth
(written after I began my ‘journey’)
Because I want to
Because it Feels great, even if it hurts (case in point)
Because its really something to feel improvement (very encouraging)
Because even though my muscles are tight and stiff and sore, I feel that they are stronger, I hear a cry of victory in every painful movement.
Because I can easily see the path.
Because it makes me feel so much better
Because I’m gonna be fuckin hot
Because when I don’t workout, I feel down and angry and depressed and unproductive
Time to go destroy leg day!
Now, for the disclaimer – I am not an adventure guide, personal trainer, doctor, nutritionist, or medical authority, this is meant to be only a source of information and inspiration, implementing these techniques into your daily life is something you do of your own free will and at your own risk.
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